Saturday, June 17, 2006

grief 4 Imix 14 Zotz Day 121 of 260 Reflection day

Before I came downstairs to post my Jaguar Nights excerpt, I was upstairs in bed crying for my sweet little Prism. It's a different kind of pain than losing Goober but of course that's stirred up now too. I feel so cheated. I only had her for 3 weeks. I knew she was older and had bad feet but I thought I'd have her something like 3 years. Three years would have brought her to 15 which is how old Goober was, and a pet who dies at 15 hasn't cheated you.
I was trying to be clinical about my grief. As a writer, I need to describe things that happen.
The sadness was like a ball, a mass, a pressure in the middle of my chest. Not my heart, but right behind the breastbone. It swelled and moved up into my throat and then filled the back of my throat choking me. That's the "thickened throat" some writers describe. And then it continued into my mouth, forcing it open until I thought the only way to release the pressure was to scream or sob loudly.
I tortured myself for 24 hours that I killed Prism. She ate part of her cast, it blocked her digestion and she died. The cast was too tight and she got gangrene and died. The food I fed her wasn't fresh enough and she got a bacteria infection and died. (That's how I lost Gwennie and Scarlett-to septic blood infections--Gwennie liked to crawl under the grate and eat random things [she actually had a couple of small rocks in her belly] and I don't know what Scarlett ate.) Or that the stress of moving here, 36 hours on a plane, strange environment, just overwhelmed her and then the stress of the boot put her over the edge and she died.
So I called the vet and asked.
She had a "large mass" in her abdomen on/near her ovaries which also affected her liver (which was "mottled"). Tumor or cyst, I guess; they sent it out. That's how I lost Goober.
I now have a 50/50 ratio of dead to live birds. In one corner, in a box, are Scarlett, Gwennie, Goober and soon to be Prism. In the other room, hooting and eating apples, are Zeebo, Lance, Hogan and Onnie, my sole female.
And Precession of the Equinoxes has stopped. I haven't forgotten about that.
Welcome to the calm, quiet Reflection days.

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