Monday, November 26, 2007

bye bye daddy

My dad died around 5:15 this morning.
Haven't processed it yet. Ceh 11 Lamat

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dreams & more

Today starts the assimilation days, and boy do I have a lot to assimilate.
Saturday night/Sunday morning I dreamed of Chichen Itza. When I got there, the Pyramid of Kukulcan was covered with vines and surrounded by a pool of water, very beautiful. I wanted to climb it, but instead I ended up going inside. (As far as I understand, that pyramid doesn't have an "inside"--there are no chambers, it's solid, or maybe has a core of older buildings.)
The walls inside were white, and the halls and chambered formed a spiral structure. When I got close to the walls I saw that someone had inscribed very elaborate pictures with a very thin stylus. Someone had taped big sheets of paper over it and was making rubbings, and someone else was coloring the rubbings, trying to make sense of the carvings. But there were hundreds, thousands, of square feet of these etchings/inscriptions and whoever was working on it had barely started. I wanted to help but I had the understanding, somehow, that it was a graduate student project, not a regular person project, and I wasn't welcome. The carvings were so fine you could only see them if you held a light at a slight angle. They were really amazing, because they were carved when there was no electric light. I can't remember all the chambers I went through, only the last one. There was an old man there, with dark hair and a beard. He didn't look Mexican. He was doing horoscopes. I went over to ask him how much a horoscope was. He answered me with a really weird denomination of money (I can't remember what it was) but whatever it was, the price was 3 of them. It was an existing unit of money but the initial letter was a t. Like "tollar" instead of dollar or "teso" instead of peso. I asked someone about it, and it turned out he was only charging $.30 (thirty cents). I wanted to order horoscopes for everyone I knew for that price!
And basically that's when the alarm started to go off, and I couldn't get back into the dream.
So my dad woke up, and is eating, but he still can't speak or communicate in any way. He still has a slight fever. It's just prolonging the inevitable, dragging out the pain. And for what?
My cat, Nutter, who has what might or might not be cancer, has gotten really thin and lethargic. He leaves the kitchen to use the litter box and sleep in a nest of blankets on the couch, but mostly he sleeps in the cat carrier--probably 22-23 hours a day. He fell when trying to jump onto the bathroom sink to drink. He walks really slow. His breathing is starting to be fast. Wednesday we're taking him to the vet for a check-up but I think it's going to be a one-way trip. :( The vet gave him 3 months to live and Wednesday will be exactly 7. How can I complain? I had him more than twice as long as I thought I would. He found friendship again with Sputz and the baby kitten, who both sleep with him and lick him.
Doesn't mean I won't be sad to kiss him goodbye. 4 Imix 9 Cen

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

musings on death

My dad is dying. You can read all about it here. It's made me very sad. That might sound simplistic, but it's the bottom line. I'm sad. I go and watch him die and I cry and it affects everything I do.
Today's 12 Vulture so it's a good day to let things go. Maybe my dad will let go of the earth today, but I doubt it. He is fighting so hard to live.
Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who is an atheist and I told him honestly that the only reason I can't be one is because I refuse to let go of the idea of an afterlife. I need it.
And that made me think about right-to-life people and how they think the sanctity of life is more important than anything. Most of these people are Christians and they have the whole Heaven thing. If you believe in Heaven as a place of ultimate peace and angels and clouds and all that, why would you ever fight for someone to stay here on earth, especially when that person is suffering, sick and in pain? Wouldn't you WANT them to be freed from their physical pain and go onto an everlasting peace? How can you believe in the fluffy Christian Heaven and yet want to keep people here on earth? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
It seems to me that the atheists should be the ones trying to keep people alive, because they believe there is nothing there after death, that you wink out like a candle flame.
I don't want to go out like a candle flame, and I don't want those I love to go out either. I don't know how I would ever let that go, or why I would ever want to. It's a comfort to me, like having a security blanket or sitting with a purring cat on my lap.
For me to believe that after all this suffering, my father is going to wink out and cease to exist would make me absolutely insane. 12 Cib 4 Ceh

Monday, November 12, 2007


Someone posted asking about my dad. The end is near. I don't want to rehash it all here; please read my other blog.

Softkey Leftsoftkey Right