Tuesday, October 16, 2007

2 dreams

I had an "I'm not in this" dream where some ancient Babylonian or Sumerian god came to life after someone did some kind of ritual and it was rampaging around killing people. I couldn't find a picture of the exact god I saw in the dream. (image source) This picture is of Marduk's dragon. The god in the dream had the same kind of awkwardness, especially about the legs and feet, but he had a thicker body and a bigger head and was orange. Not the orange of a cat, but crayon orange. It was kind of cat like-like, or maybe like the a child's drawing of a lion. He looked like a drawing come to life and stomping around but in 3d. And it was a vicious nasty monster, killing everyone in its path.

I was in the other dream. For some reason Willy and I went to Boston. We had to park the car way up high in some weird garage. And it wasn't a nice spiral ramp so you hardly know how high you're going. It was a very steep (like South St hill) ramp and at the top was a glass bridge, two lanes wide, leading to the garage. I said, "I don't want to go up there" and Willy said "I don't want to either" but we went. And of course once we got onto the horrible glass bridge we were forced to park the car there. Willy took off and left me there alone (I guess he thought I was following). I was terrified and unable to move. He was in a building at the same height but across about a 20 foot divide. He told me to throw him my purse so I would have both hands to grab things as I walked. I did, but of course it fell short, and in slow motion it hit outcroppings and awnings, slowing down every time, but at the bottom on the sidewalk it still broke open spewing my things everywhere. Although I knew my PDA was in there (the same PDA that once broke after a fall from the sink to the floor) and my camera and my wallet, etc., all I cared about for some reason was my phone. I had to cross the glass bridge and go down the steep ramp and get to where my broken things were. Someone was trying to sweep them up and throw them away but somehow I convinced that person that the items were mine, and gathered them up. I don't remember if I found everything or if anything (everything) was ruined.
That's a pretty symbolic dream, huh? 15 Yax 9 Manik

Thursday, October 11, 2007

my daddy's leaving :( 4 Ik 10 Yax
My dad has Alzheimer's, as some of you know. He recently got put into a nursing home after a series of truly unfortunate events which you can read about on my Alzheimer's blog. And now it seems like he's dying. He fell and then had a seizure, or vice versa (we don't know) but he's got bleeding deep in his brain that can't be treated.
This is a man who was a nice guy his whole life. He held doors for people, he took out the trash, he put soda in the fridge. He loved animals and butterflies and raspberries and until he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's he never raised a hand in anger to anyone. So why exactly would any god do this to him? Why would he choose this for himself?
It's kind of funny that the episode of Scrubs where the Jesus-loving nurse tries to convince Dr Cox that everything happens for a reason is on in the background as I am writing. Because I am trying to find that reason.
Why would a mild-mannered quiet kind man suddenly decide to forget his whole life, his wife, his daughter, everything, and turn himself into a violent, angry, confused man? Why would he choose to suffer--suffer so badly he begs us to kill him, threatens to kill himself--and to watch his family suffer? Where is the lesson? Where is the balance? What is the contract behind such a decision?
And if we agree to everything before we come here, why would I agree to such a plan? To watch my father wither away in body and mind and spirit, like a chocolate bunny at Easter? It's a long fucking goodbye, and drawing it out isn't making it any easier or better. I'm just sitting here, writing, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for any of this to make sense.