Thursday, October 11, 2007

my daddy's leaving :( 4 Ik 10 Yax
My dad has Alzheimer's, as some of you know. He recently got put into a nursing home after a series of truly unfortunate events which you can read about on my Alzheimer's blog. And now it seems like he's dying. He fell and then had a seizure, or vice versa (we don't know) but he's got bleeding deep in his brain that can't be treated.
This is a man who was a nice guy his whole life. He held doors for people, he took out the trash, he put soda in the fridge. He loved animals and butterflies and raspberries and until he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's he never raised a hand in anger to anyone. So why exactly would any god do this to him? Why would he choose this for himself?
It's kind of funny that the episode of Scrubs where the Jesus-loving nurse tries to convince Dr Cox that everything happens for a reason is on in the background as I am writing. Because I am trying to find that reason.
Why would a mild-mannered quiet kind man suddenly decide to forget his whole life, his wife, his daughter, everything, and turn himself into a violent, angry, confused man? Why would he choose to suffer--suffer so badly he begs us to kill him, threatens to kill himself--and to watch his family suffer? Where is the lesson? Where is the balance? What is the contract behind such a decision?
And if we agree to everything before we come here, why would I agree to such a plan? To watch my father wither away in body and mind and spirit, like a chocolate bunny at Easter? It's a long fucking goodbye, and drawing it out isn't making it any easier or better. I'm just sitting here, writing, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for any of this to make sense.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What is happening today with your father?