Monday, April 25, 2005

letting go

I am letting go of food, of cravings, of shit (literally), of things that don't serve me. This is not necessarily being done so I can follow the shamanistic path--but I know it's all related somehow.
Too much stuff in my life that doesn't belong. There's so much stuff in my house I could get rid of, but how? I don't want to throw it away--it might be valuable to the right person. I have no luck selling things on Ebay. And I detest tag sales.
I continue to own every LP (on VINYL) I've ever purchased, in big green boxes in the closet of the back bedroom. I have some gtreat AC/DC collectibles, but does anyone care besides me? My AC/DC collection, including CDs is over 125 items. (I wouldn't sell the CDs, though, I still listen to them.) I have clothing in every size from 4 to 24, some of it from the 80's and good for nothing but costume parties.
So it's obvious that I know, on an intellectual level, what needs to go bye-bye in my life. it's just the DOING which is difficult. The most difficult road, I fear, will be letting go of friends. There are some people in my life that I just love so much, and they don't support me or serve my destiny. I already got rid of one "friend" who constantly criticized me ("No one else loves you enough to tell you the truth about what a horrible person you are."). Others have just fallen away, through attrition or apathy or having children (I have no kids). Although one of my friends who's got 2 sons called me last night to say he's about to have a 3d. He lives a thousand miles away, has 2 kids and no life, but he manages to support me and keep in touch.
This doesn't make it any easier, to list those who have already left (or been booted). I know who has to go. of course I know. Just like I know that if I eat less and exercise I'll lose weight. hahaha but it doesn't work, does it?
Such a struggle for everything, such drama I attract into my life. How can I have online friends I've never met, or met once, that support me so much more than in-person friends I've known for years? I guess my changes scare them.

Ix Mahel, Ek Penpen

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