It's tough not knowing if what's going on in my head is real or chemical. I know I've got Seasonal Affective Disorder so is my current deep depression part of that, or part of something else?
I feel extremely socially isolated. Things keep happening which reinforce this. For instance, I tried an experiment. I didn't email any of my friends to tell them what I was doing or working on, and asking them what they were doing. And guess what. No one emailed me to ask me what was going on or offer information on their lives.
I broke off a friendship which has been going badly, and that ended badly, which is always sad. But I just can't take people beating me with a stick labeled "friendship" and claiming it's for my own good. Being told negative things about myself isn't for my highest and best. It just makes me feel worse and reinforces my pain and feelings of separation.
In spite of all the calendar work and other things I've been doing, I don't feel like a useful member of society right now. I don't feel like I contribute to anyone. My blogs get traffic, but few comments--same with my web site. People tell me my work is great, but they don't buy anything from me.
I met a woman this weekend who said I am a "light master" which is just another title, right? I try to spread light but no one wants to open their eyes and see. I don't know why I have to make that into my problem and my failure, but I do.
I have an idea for a series of Mayan/Aztec inspired mandalas. Maybe doing some artwork will calm my sad soul.
12.19.13.14.18 5 Etznab 11 Cen
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