Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Father dream

This morning I had a dream that I went a high school reunion. I had to travel to get there (I have the impression it was in France, a place I have no interest in visiting and whose language I don't speak.) For some reason my father was with me. He was maybe at the stage he was a year ago--you could bring him places without worrying about a violent outburst. I brought him into this big room, where the meeting was. There were many long tables, like in a cafeteria, and not many people there. I found a place for my dad to sit and told him to stay put. He sat there meekly and looked around. I went off to do something. Find food? Sign in? I don't know. But someone came over to me and said my father wasn't welcome and I had to take him out. At first I thought it was because most of the people there for the reunion were women and my dad's not. But it was something else, but they wouldn't tell me. "You know why," they said, avoiding my eyes. "He can't be here," another stressed.
I was really upset by this. Not because I had to babysit my dad, but because I couldn't have him with me, and I couldn't really leave him somewhere else unattended. So I was out in the lobby area, where there were a lot of plants like how the Meriden Square used to be when I was little, and a friend of mine from high school, who I haven't talked to in probably 10 years or more, came up to me and started telling me I was hanging out with the wrong people. In the dream, I thought she meant some friends I've retained (or regained) since HS, but now that I'm awake I wonder if she meant my father? I was very angry at her. I said, "You haven't been my friend in 20 years, and now you dare to tell me who I can hang out with?"
I decided to just go home. Turns out this lounge area was also part of the airport (that's handy). But then I couldn't find my return tickets. My mind was completely blank. I couldn't remember if I'd taken the return tickets with me when I left home. The flight was boarding and I was checking every pocket of every back, searching for the paperwork and begging them to let me on the flight. I'm not sure my dad was with me anymore; I think he wasn't.
And then my husband woke me up because it was past 7 a.m.

This is one of those dreams where I can pull out elements of real life. My high school reunion (20 years) was the Friday before my dad died. I thought about crashing it (I wasn't paying $60 a person to go for the whole thing) but I wasn't in the mood. The one-time friend who was lecturing me in the dream was there, because someone else sent me pictures. I am going on vacation in 18 days (Chichen Itza, here I come) so anxiety about plane tickets is obvious as well.
And of course, my father is dead. And there he was in my dream, following me around happily, glad to see me and have my attention. But he wasn't welcome where I went. That's the part that puzzles me. At no point during the dream did my dad talk to me (in the last year or so he was alive, his aphasia was so bad he couldn't have a conversation anymore) or try to communicate in any way except to be agreeable about what I asked him to do.
If this was someone else's dream, I would say that the person's newly dead father's spirit had attached itself to the dreamer, but that it shouldn't be, and that person had to let the father go. Or that the dreamer was holding onto the father. But I let my father go--I even did ceremonies to break the ties because I worried that subconsciously I was holding him back from dying.
After my husband's maternal grandmother died (they had to pull the plug), he and his sister both dreamed that she kept calling them on the phone saying "why won't you talk to me?" and they both said, "you're dead, stop calling," and eventually the dreams stopped. If this had been that sort of dream, I'd understand it and probably wouldn't have posted it here. But what could this one be about? I'm watching over my dad, but he's not welcome where I go? That's what I pull out of this. 8 Chuen 19 Mac intention portal

No comments: