Thursday, October 23, 2008

Religulous & thoughts on the afterlife & Nutter

Nutter is gone. :(
It turns out he never had cancer. He had a cyst in his lung. In September, it burst, flooding his chest with fluid so he couldn't breathe or eat. We had his chest drained and got him an appetitite stimulant, and he ate and seemed really happy and like his old self for a few days, but the fluid started to come back and he stopped eating again. He wouldn't even eat the Nutri-Cal paste that he loved so much. We brought him to the vet again and got the appetite stimulant but it didn't work. He was just lying on the floor crying. It was awful. So the next morning (Saturday 9-27) I sat down with him and told him he was going to see Zen by noon, and that we were taking him at 11:30. At 11:30 I was in the bathroom getting ready and Nutter walked into his carrier and looked at me as if to say "let's go."
He was down to 6 lbs from his top weight of around 11 (never a big or fat cat). He laid peacefully on the table at the vet and didn't flinch or cry out or struggle. I had my hand on him and he was gone between heart beats. He was ready to go but oh how I miss him and the silly things he did. The trick he did for food, the way he would meow at me without making noise (just opening his mouth), the way he would attack people's feet when he was happy to see them, how he liked to jump onto Willy's shoulder and headbutt his face...what a silly, goofy, boy our Fluffernutter the Wondercat was.
I lost my job the same week Nutter was so sick, and my last day was last week. So that's been really hard too. I hate not working, being home alone, having no money. If I had money, I could buy things to fix up the house with, to organize all our stuff, etc. But I'm trapped here, can't even go out to eat. All I can do is write.
I did got to the movies this week, to see Religulous, Bill Maher's documentary on religion. It was enlightening and it made me realize something.
When I think about the afterlife, there is no god there.
I see green fields and stone walls and trees and buildings and people and animals, but there's no god, no angels, no harps. No 72 virgins. No prize, no punishment. Just peace.
I see my dad in the Elsewhere bar, hanging out with everyone who had Alzheimer's and dementia in life, all their memories regained. It's a dark place, crowded, with the music a little too loud, and the door opens way too frequently to let someone new come in. The bartender isn't god, he's just whoever felt like pulling pints at that moment.
NaNoWriMo starts in a week or so. Beside looking for a job, that's my focus. And cleaning the house. Which I hate. So I'll be writing a lot! My NaNo blog is over at LiveJournal (I don't know why).

1 comment:

e said...

Oh Bert, I'm so sorry. I know that Nutter was pretty sick when your dad was dying too, so I can't even imagine how difficult this past year has been for you. I hope having Nutter around for the past year was a comfort. Maybe that's why he was here?

On the subject of religulous, Bill Mahr used to be funny, but now he is just hateful (IMHO) so I will not be contributing to his wealth by seeing the movie. Just my little contribution to society! But I do wish that I could feel the same way about the afterlife... I wish I could believe in one. I really, really can't see that a god would do to good people and animals what I see happeneing to your family and to mine. Or maybe it's more like the Depeche Mode song...

I don't want to start any blasphemous roumers
but I think that god's got a sick sense of humor
and when I die, I expect to find him laughing...

My best to you.