Dreams & more

Today starts the assimilation days, and boy do I have a lot to assimilate.
Saturday night/Sunday morning I dreamed of Chichen Itza. When I got there, the Pyramid of Kukulcan was covered with vines and surrounded by a pool of water, very beautiful. I wanted to climb it, but instead I ended up going inside. (As far as I understand, that pyramid doesn't have an "inside"--there are no chambers, it's solid, or maybe has a core of older buildings.)
The walls inside were white, and the halls and chambered formed a spiral structure. When I got close to the walls I saw that someone had inscribed very elaborate pictures with a very thin stylus. Someone had taped big sheets of paper over it and was making rubbings, and someone else was coloring the rubbings, trying to make sense of the carvings. But there were hundreds, thousands, of square feet of these etchings/inscriptions and whoever was working on it had barely started. I wanted to help but I had the understanding, somehow, that it was a graduate student project, not a regular person project, and I wasn't welcome. The carvings were so fine you could only see them if you held a light at a slight angle. They were really amazing, because they were carved when there was no electric light. I can't remember all the chambers I went through, only the last one. There was an old man there, with dark hair and a beard. He didn't look Mexican. He was doing horoscopes. I went over to ask him how much a horoscope was. He answered me with a really weird denomination of money (I can't remember what it was) but whatever it was, the price was 3 of them. It was an existing unit of money but the initial letter was a t. Like "tollar" instead of dollar or "teso" instead of peso. I asked someone about it, and it turned out he was only charging $.30 (thirty cents). I wanted to order horoscopes for everyone I knew for that price!
And basically that's when the alarm started to go off, and I couldn't get back into the dream.
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So my dad woke up, and is eating, but he still can't speak or communicate in any way. He still has a slight fever. It's just prolonging the inevitable, dragging out the pain. And for what?
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My cat, Nutter, who has what might or might not be cancer, has gotten really thin and lethargic. He leaves the kitchen to use the litter box and sleep in a nest of blankets on the couch, but mostly he sleeps in the cat carrier--probably 22-23 hours a day. He fell when trying to jump onto the bathroom sink to drink. He walks really slow. His breathing is starting to be fast. Wednesday we're taking him to the vet for a check-up but I think it's going to be a one-way trip. :( The vet gave him 3 months to live and Wednesday will be exactly 7. How can I complain? I had him more than twice as long as I thought I would. He found friendship again with Sputz and the baby kitten, who both sleep with him and lick him.
Doesn't mean I won't be sad to kiss him goodbye.

12.19.14.15.1 4 Imix 9 Cen

things seem to be going badly

Lately it seems like I keep getting whacked with the friendship stick. Have you ever been whacked with that stick? It goes like this.
A friend comes up to you and tells you how much s/he adores you, more than anyone in the world, and how s/he truly understands you and "gets" you.
This makes you feel good. Special. Loved.
Then comes the stick: "Because I love you so much, I am going to tell you the truth about you..." which is followed by a recitation of just how horrible a person you are, your selfishness, your greed, your apathy, your voice, your looks, your mode of dress, your cheap shoes, your bad haircut, your lack of education and poise....etc.
Yes, once in a while someone does appear to just like me without telling me I suck. But when someone tells you that YOU suck, it's really the opposite. They are trying to suck the joy out of you.
I don't feel like there's a lot of joy in my life right now. I have to struggle to find it and when I do, I can't keep my focus on it.
12.19.13.14.19 6 Cauac 12 Cen

S.A.D. and sadness

It's tough not knowing if what's going on in my head is real or chemical. I know I've got Seasonal Affective Disorder so is my current deep depression part of that, or part of something else?
I feel extremely socially isolated. Things keep happening which reinforce this. For instance, I tried an experiment. I didn't email any of my friends to tell them what I was doing or working on, and asking them what they were doing. And guess what. No one emailed me to ask me what was going on or offer information on their lives.
I broke off a friendship which has been going badly, and that ended badly, which is always sad. But I just can't take people beating me with a stick labeled "friendship" and claiming it's for my own good. Being told negative things about myself isn't for my highest and best. It just makes me feel worse and reinforces my pain and feelings of separation.
In spite of all the calendar work and other things I've been doing, I don't feel like a useful member of society right now. I don't feel like I contribute to anyone. My blogs get traffic, but few comments--same with my web site. People tell me my work is great, but they don't buy anything from me.
I met a woman this weekend who said I am a "light master" which is just another title, right? I try to spread light but no one wants to open their eyes and see. I don't know why I have to make that into my problem and my failure, but I do.
I have an idea for a series of Mayan/Aztec inspired mandalas. Maybe doing some artwork will calm my sad soul.
12.19.13.14.18 5 Etznab 11 Cen